It has been a while since I have written a blog post, since February 2015 to be exact. Never would I have thought from that time frame, fast forward to today, I would now be married. The winds of change have definitely blown in all sorts of ways in my life and in the life of my immediate family. However, I would say getting married has to be the number one best change I have experienced, of which I’m sure I will write more on later.
There is no real excuse for not blogging, I have neglected my blog mainly out of lack of consistency. Consistency is something I struggle with. I currently have about 3 or 4 books I am reading. I know it’s horrible. But I have really tried to work on breaking this. Coming back to my blog is part of me breaking this vicous cycle I seem to get into of starting something and then leaving it there, never to return. Also to silence the voice in my head of “Hey remember that blog you started! Go back to it!” Looking back, I actually only wrote 6 blog posts in the four months I did it. This reminds me when I had just graduated RN school in 2006 and was working in ICU. There was a very well experienced nurse who could bring anyone to their knees in tears. After watching my every move one morning (yes it was incredibly nerve wracking) she told me my biggest problem was I am too distracted. I start one thing and don’t finish because I go off to do something else, which seemed equally important at the time, then I forget what I had initially set out to do and end up not accomplishing anything at all, but just feeling frustrated. Wow this sounds all too familiar right now.
But beyond getting distracted and having a short attention span at times, I tend to over think things. Make them harder or bigger in my head than what they are then become paralyzed because I can’t live up to where I think I should be or where I think everyone else is (I know.. I know… comparison is the thief of joy… that’s a work in progress for me too). I had a blog post written out about 2 weeks ago (perhaps I will post it later) but I ended up not posting it because I overthought the process. Why even do it? You haven’t written a post in so long it’s pointless. I essentially talked myself out of it. So it still sits in the note section of my phone awaiting its posting.
Last year in December I accomplished something I have always wanted to do, I ran a half marathon. My next goal is to run a full marathon. I finished that race immediately wanting to run another one and I had actually already signed up to do another half later in the Spring, but that never happened (I got married instead!) Shortly after running my first half, I got engaged, planned a wedding in about 7 to 8 weeks, was married by mid March, went on a honey moon and then came back to an entire new life as a now married woman. An incredibly busy, exciting time in my life to say the least, but running was definately placed on the back burner. Toss that in with exacerbation of chronic low back issues ( I have scoliosis & running is not a recommended form of exercise, but I still love to run) and the timing of my miles seemed to grow longer and longer. It was and still can be discouraging at times. I want to be back to, if not better, than where I was last December. I have since gone out on runs with my Garmin watch (which mine tells me my pace, miles run, etc.) and as much as I try not to dwell on it, I will just be horrified at my timing. This year I have also switched my focus from less running to streghtening my core to help with my low back issues. But this past Saturday as I prepared to go out for a short run I decided against wearing the Garmin. I decided just to get out and walk/run/jog because that is what I love to do. Not because of what the numbers on my watch tell me I’m doing. But because I love the feeling you get after a good run. Because it will clear my head. It was during that run I realized, I just need to get back to the basics. In so many areas of my life. Not just in jogging. I’m not saying it’s not good to have goals or take care of injuries properly when they occur. And I’m not saying I have totally fallen off the bandwagon mentally, spiritually, emotionally or physically. But I don’t want to get so focused on the outcome that I forget my initial love & purpose for why I initally began something. I have had to rethink my approach to running to accomodate my low back issues and current schedule. However it was in that process I allowed so many other things to crowd why I started in the first place.
As a child of God, wife, mom, nurse, whatever other hat you want to throw in there, it is so incredibly easy to lose focus or to become so busy in doing that we forgot why we started in the first place.
In Revelation chapter 2, vs 2-5 (NLT) God is speaking to the church at Ephesus and says —
“I know all the things you do. I have seen your hard work and your patient endurance. I know you don’t tolerate evil people. You have examined the claims of those who say they are apostles but are not. You have discovered they are liars. You have patiently suffered for me without quitting. But I have this complaint against you. You don’t love me or each other as you did at first! Look how far you have fallen! Turn back to me and do the works you did at first. If you don’t repent, I will come and remove your lampstand from its place among the churches.”
Those are some powerful words. An entire book can be written (and I’m sure it already has) on the cultural and historical context of this passage and all it implies. But today, in the way it speaks to me, is I want to get back to the basics. Find my first love and re-examine my heart for why I do everything I do in the first place.
I started this blog because as weird as it sounds, I enjoy writing and wanted to be a real voice of hope. But somewhere between the “liking” to write and actually executing it I have failed in my ability to remain consistent. So if anything I am writing this for me. Maybe I should have titled this post “Just do it!” So here’s to consistency and finishing unfinished books and unwritten blogs. This is for me, the inconsistent distracted one.