The Nitty Gritty of Growth

In a particular week where I have been feeling frustrated over lack of time to write, lack of time to spend by myself and tensions were rising within me, I had this kind of aha moment, which may not be that aha-ish to you (is that even a word?) but it was a DING DING DING moment for me.

If I want to reach deeper in growth, it is going to take a more significant time commitment from me. Not that revelatory right? Easier said then done. Maybe I am expecting growth to just reach out to me from my Instagram or Facebook feed. The reality is it is difficult for me to commit to because it is easier to blame those situations which require my time rather then adjusting my perspective toward how my time is managed.

The past year, without realizing the journey I was about to embark on, has been one of inward growth. Prior to this past year, aside from what I have spent on my professional education, I had never paid for classes that dealt with growth and change. I used to roll my eyes at those growth things, thinking who needs help, I got this all figured out. I can google my way through this. #famouslastwords

A year ago this month, my husband and I signed up for Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University (FPU), I will share more on that later. Through our debt free journey, there are so many other areas of my life that have revealed I need work. Mindsets and behaviors that had to change.  It has taken work, sacrifice & commitment when we haven’t always felt like it.  We have not been perfect, but we have not given up.  A year later, not only have we have cut our debt in half but we have been able to give more.  We anticipate reaching our goal of being out of debt by next Spring. Yay!!!!

After spending the Fall of 17′ in FPU, in January I signed up for a Journey of Growth class led by a phenomenal lady in our church. That class really made me take an inward look at myself and set the pace for the year.

The year also started out with me being super gung-ho about writing. “Yea!!! I’m gonna write and post every week!!!” I had visions of being this superstar writer, certain Oprah was going to be knocking on my door, wanting me to come on her Supersoul podcast.

That obviously hasn’t happened. But a lot of other things have happened. Internal things that may eventually lead to an interview with Oprah  (Hey I can dream and put it out there right?) But right now my growth is not pretty. My emotions somedays can be all over the place. I battle insecurities & remaining consistent. I battle the internal struggle for everything to be “perfect” before I post and show my vulnerable side.

What I have learned so far is that inward growth is messy, it takes time, patience (with yourself more than anyone else), getting up again and again. And in those grace filled moments of getting up, God will drop these a-ha moments in your brain. Then its like “Oh is that what you are trying to tell me? Has this what the internal struggle been about all along?” We then progress from the stumbles of our toddler growth on to the next passage. It’s a life long journey.

I have also come to the realization that in order for something to be recognized in me, it takes development on my part. Our society today seems to think you can spend 5 minutes on a subject or read an article about something, suddenly you are the resident expert on Facebook telling everyone about it. I have to realize its much more than surface level growth. If I want deep roots of growth, it takes me making it a priority. This can be applied to other areas of our lives –  prayer, budgeting, working out, building relationships, etc.

In reality I have written this for me. As a reminder that growth is hard. So rewarding. But messy. It looks good once we graduate to the next stage and have the diplomas on our walls, the published books on our shelves, the 20 pounds off the scale and debt is gone. But the nitty gritty moments where you are tired, frustrated, anxious, fighting feelings of being alone, tired of eating boiled eggs & tuna fish sandwiches, having to have difficult conversations about behavior change with yourself, that is where the beauty is, where real change happens. Where God breaks us down in order to reveal His glory in us. Because that is what true growth is, less of me, more of Him.

 

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