Why not now? This phrase has been swirling in my head for about the past week. Ultimately what it entails for me is that it is time to start sharing what I write. I have lost count of all of the entries in my phone and drafts saved in my WordPress account, too afraid to push the publish button. As I inch closer to 40 (3 weeks away!!!), my desire to people please is slowly fading and the voice in my quiet time with God grows louder with each passing day to write, I sit here today yielded to Him. I let go of the What will people think? What if it’s interpreted the wrong way? What if no one understands or thinks I’m crazy? I realize that there are going to be those who think all of those things about me and that’s ok. On the flip side of that there are going to be those who do connect with my writing. I am over trying to mold myself to be the popular girl with my words. With the pressure to be some perfect superstar and instead to just be. It is not about me anyways.
And to those who think I’m crazy or my words don’t jive with them, I am ok with that. If we each led the same life our lives would be boring. But that is exactly why I feel compelled to share my experiences, to give voice to my own struggles and triumphs, which I have a feeling are those of others as well. I also understand that we each daily face the world through our own filtered lens that has been shaped by our past experiences. I myself have finished books that I thought were marvelous and others couldn’t stand them while others have raved on and on about a book I thought to be mediocre. This happened to me a few times this past summer and actually threw me into a reading rut. I had several holds on my library card of best sellers that I had seen several bookish people I follow on Instagram just rave about them. For the record, those books were The Midnight Library by Matt Haig, The Four Winds by Kristin Hannah, The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett, and Untamed by Glennon Doyle. I was so excited when the holds became available. Two of these four books that I had so anxiously been waiting on, Untamed and The Vanishing Half, I got through about an hour of listening to each of them on the audio version and I just. could not. go. on. anymore. Jesus help me. So I returned the books. The other two books, The Midnight Library and The Four Winds (also in audio form) I powered through but listened to it at a speed of 1.5 and was so thankful to be over and done with them. I have read several other books by Kristin Hannah and loved them, but the Four Winds was not one of those for me. If you have read these books and love them, I have nothing against you or anyone who does. They were just not for me in this season of life. Maybe in another season.
We each have a talent or talents given to us. I don’t know what yours is. But I do know that when I have squandered or hidden my talents I am miserable. I am Jonah sitting in the belly of the whale, knowing I have brought it on myself. I can go through the motions and fake it, I can find other things to do and try to make it seem like I am using my gift, but in reality I was just wasting time.
This is not something to be commended or that I gleefully admit. Yet I have done so for the past few years. I started this blog back when I was a single mom with hopes of sharing my life then. I have had a lackadaisical approach to not just writing, but many other aspects of my life. I have lived in a safety zone, afraid to venture out because ultimately I was afraid of getting hurt and that it might just require something more of me. Of course there are other elements to the story. I have had a lot of wonderful life changes and have been in a season of personal growth the last few years, sorting through things in my past, coming full circle in many areas of life and doing lots and lots of reading. I can also look at it as a season of being buried in order to come up and out. But all of these things have brought me here today.
So today I hit the publish button without agonizing over each word typed, without a perfectly curated blog post with nice pictures, but out of obedience. Faith takes action. I encourage whoever reads this to take action on one thing you have been putting off but you know God has been nudging you to do (even if it has been over 5 years of nudging!!). Why Not Now? or to borrow the Nike slogan, Just do it!